A letter to young me

 Dear young me,

As I reflect on the journey from where you stand today, I realise the importance of self-love and resilience. Your family's love for you is unwavering, and you are more than enough for them. Remember, it's crucial to prioritise your own happiness and well-being above all else.

Life will throw unexpected challenges your way, but stay strong. Despite heartbreak and loss, you will emerge stronger. Cherish the bond with your children and nurture relationships that bring you joy. Take time for yourself, pursue work that fulfils you, and embrace change on your own terms.

The passing of loved ones will test you, but their spirit will guide you through the darkest times. Stay true to yourself, embrace your individuality, and don't be afraid to be selfish when it comes to your own happiness. Life is fleeting, so make the most of it without dwelling on worries.

Live boldly, stay authentic, and remember that your journey is unique. Here's to embracing life's twists and turns with courage and resilience.

#LifeLessons #SelfLove #Resilience #EmbraceChange #PersonalGrowth

Have a blast and savour every moment!

Warm regards,

Kate

Take Time Out

 I recently had a conversation with my 12 year old son. It went something like this:

Son: "Mum, what made you decide to work for yourself?"

Me: "Several factors, some of which were in my control and some beyond it."

Son: "But are you ever going to be earning what you were when you worked in London."

Me: "If you mean am I ever going to have the same income then probably not. But I will be rich in other ways so it doesn't bother me."

Son: "What? How can you be rich without money?"

Me: "Simple. I get to spend time with you and your brother. I am able to watch you grow. We get to sit down and eat a meal together in the evening. I am there for you, to help you with your homework and to support you in your hobbies. If I was still working in London I would be out of the door before you were out of bed. I would be coming home after you had eaten. Being there for you makes my life far richer than having lots of money. At the end of the day it is all about balance."

Son: "Thanks mum for making us your priority!".

Now, had this conversation had taken place three years ago it would have been a very different one. Back then I had been made redundant for the second time in 18 months. My only focus was finding a new job. I spent hours job hunting, submitting CVs, attending interviews. The stress of it all meant I was missing out on what was important to me, my boys.

STOP AND TAKE THE TIME OUT!

One simple comment from a friend "why don't you freelance?" changed all that. I took a step back and stopped to think. I swallowed my pride and took the help which was on offer to me. I downed tools for a while and spent time with my family. They made me see what was important, and it wasn't the tedious trek into London or the salary that came with it!

I learnt a lot in that period of time. I learnt about my strengths (and my weaknesses). I learnt some new skills ( I went back to school!). I learnt to take time out and not feel guilty!

It wasn't easy and there were times when I thought I was doing the wrong thing, to be honest there still are. But a hug from my son, or a daytime dog walk with a friend soon removes any doubts.

Now, I get to see my family flourish. I get to do the work I want to do and work with who I want to work with. I have worked with some fantastic people and companies, forming lasting relationships. And all because I took time out to stop, think and revaluate.

In these times of uncertainty it is more important than ever to look after ourselves and our families. Don't be afraid to take the time out to think. It will make you see things better, so when you step back in you are better than you ever were!

A last time for everything

Talking to my boys the other night I asked them:

"Do you remember the last time I carried you to bed or last time I sang you our special song? Do you remember the last time I told you our bedtime story?"

Their answer was a simple, "No, but we remember the times you did." 

This conversation made me think. There are all the "firsts" when growing up. So many memories we usually remember; the first smile, the first word, the first step, the first time they say "I love you" the first day of school... I could go on! 

But what about the lasts? We take growing up for granted and we fail to notice that something, that was once the norm, no longer happens. We don't realise that action was a "last". The "lasts" just seem to fade into the memories of the action ever happening. We don't take pictures of the "lasts" like we did with so many of the "firsts".

I guess what I am saying is treat everything you do with your child as a precious moment in time. You will not know if the holding of hands as you walk along the street or the kiss they, willingly, give you before school will be the last time they do it.

I truly believe when something is meant to stop, it will stop and I would never force my child to continue with something because I don't want to let go. But I do now make sure I cherish the little actions so they don't just fade into a long gone memory.

PS .. turns out my cuddles on the sofa weren't the last. My 13 year old has started snuggling up to me again, and I love it!!

What my son's depression has taught me

I never thought I would have a son who was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I mean why would any parent ever think that could happen to their child.

My youngest was born laid back and he still "styles" out this look and persona but behind his mask is a different him! A him that only a few people have ever seen. He isn't a complex boy but a lot of people just don't "get him".

When he was in year one his "best teacher ever" pulled me to one side and told me he was showing classic signs of childhood depression and to keep an eye on him. Naturally this worried me but my Mama Bear barrier went up and shut away my feelings on what had been said. He bounced, and therefore I felt there was nothing further to be done. We got through to Year Three before signs started to appear again and the cracks in his outer shell began to show.

This time I was going to face it head on! I was going to get it sorted! I was going to deal with it once and for all! My fight came to a grinding halt when I couldn't find anywhere to turn to and after comforting him night after night, holding him and telling him it was alright, battling to get him into school on a morning, having sleepless nights to protect him from his nightmares we came through this particular time as a unit and once again he seemed to bounce.

Year Four gave him a teacher who appreciated him. Who saw his dry sense of humour and his wicked ways and I am sure it is that teacher who got him through the year with only a few bumps in the road. By year five though he was a different boy. He was all of a tangle. He was down one minute and up the next. He would bounce into school one day and cry like mad about it the next. He would say he was fat and go off his food but then the next day just want to comfort eat. I really felt I was back in Year Three and I had had enough.

We went to the doctors, was told they couldn't refer because the waiting list was too big and he was not a priority. We looked on line for support and it was there I found YoungMinds, an organisation which changed my life, for which I will always be grateful. They spent the time to listen without judgement but most of all they gave me the support I needed to help my boy.

We got private counselling and CBT. It was a Godsend. It gave an outlook and it gave coping mechanisms. He talked, and I mean really talked!

He was diagnosed with social anxiety, separation anxiety, school avoidance and depression. 10 years old and carrying that weight on your shoulders!

We were able to liken it to an Oak Tree. The seed was planted when his Dad had an affair and left when he was four. Throughout the years various events have watered that seed ( his best mate moving away from the school, his Dad getting remarried, his half sister being born, people he thought would always be around moving away and not staying in touch... the list was massive). Eventually his Oak Tree was so big and tangled he didn't know where to start tidying it up so he just shut it down!

We are a year on now from his diagnosis. He still has his moments and we are still riding his journey. He might never be able to totally untangle the branches of his Oak Tree but we have got ways of making them a bit tidier. He can see it is alright to shut down and go to his happy place. He has worked out where his support comes from and who he can turn to. He is slowly pruning away the dead and tangled branches.

What is his journey teaching me? It is showing me we all need to talk, we all need to be there for our friends and family. All to often we take things for granted, all to often we presume people are alright. His journey has made me look at my journey, it has made me realise I have been right there with him but untangling my own tree. His journey has made me cry, it has made me laugh and it has made me scream. 

His journey is making us all stronger!

Onwards and upwards

In 3 days time, it would have been my 15^th wedding anniversary to the father of my children. In 10 days time, we would have been together for 20 years. I thought he was a keeper… turns out he wasn’t and in 19 days time, he is getting remarried to the woman he left me for the day before our 11^th wedding anniversary 4 years ago!

This is a hard time of year for myself and the boys and it has taken me a long time to not see my marriage breakup as a failure on my part but to see it as just a chapter in a book. We were happy and we produced two cracking boys because of the marriage. We defied odds by getting married and I can now see that the failure was not on my part but on his. So, this year I will not be sad, this year I have already taken the time to be me.

I have a relationship with my two boys which is bound by unconditional love, a strength of character, laughter and friendship. We are a triangle and triangles are the strongest shape!

After a 2-year roller coaster with my weight, I am lighter now than I was when I go married (having lost 3 and a half stone). I have a body I am less paranoid (having lost 25 inches from the right places) and a new found confidence in how I dress. I still have a little way to go until I am totally happy with it but I am almost there.

I have a better relationship with food and drink. I understand what I can and can’t eat and don’t turn to a glass of wine to get me to the end of a tough day. I still like my food and I still enjoy a drink but I know my limits!!

I am fitter than I have been for a long time…. It has taken determination, setbacks and tears to get to this point but my Curves ladies, my support network and my new gym (sorry curves I needed a gym which opened later and on Sundays) have got me to this point.

I have recently been made redundant from a job I thought would be perfect for me. However, I don’t view this as a knockback but as a way forward. The role I was promised 2.5 years ago never bore fruit…. Instead, it was a job I ended up hating, it caused me stress, ate into family time and gave me sleepless nights. Now I plan on having summer off with my boys, find a job that isn’t empty promises and rewards me for what I can do and the effort I put in. I am also considering going back to studying with my ultimate aim to do my masters whilst I am still in my forties!

I have a network of friends that is not wide but is strong. From those who I just grab 5 minutes with when we pass each other on the street to those who meet me in the pub when I need someone to talk to.  There are those who my boys see as extended family and those who know me sometimes better than I know myself. Not forgetting those “online” friends, some of whom I have never met but who have been part of my life for over 10 years! I am not going to lie…. I lost a lot of friends when my marriage broke down, a lot of friendship dynamics changed (for better and for worse) but I also made new friendships along the way.

My family have been there for me through thick and thin. My Mum is a rock to me; she is my punchbag (not literally) and my sounding board. My older sister is just that …. cross me and you can deal with her (it has always been the case and always will I have no doubt!). My brother in law is my hug when I need one from a man, my nephew is my madness and my laughter and my auntie is my insanity (and yes I mean INsanity). My extended Welsh relatives (family I could have so easily lost as they are not blood-related) are my moments of calm and my glasses of wine!  I love them all for who they are and I don’t see enough of any of them.

I live in a house that isn’t organised; that isn’t calm; that is full of shouting, laughter, tears, tantrums, smiles, mess, and sometimes anger. It is, however, home! My door is open to visitors and there will always be a glass or cup of something for those who need it.. but I can’t always promise cake!!

As for the ex and his forthcoming wedding….. good luck to him, I hope it lasts (at least then it means he broke his family up for something “special”). What will I be doing on the day he gets married? Having FTW (yes that does me Fuck the Wedding) drinks with friends and celebrating my future.

I don’t promise to not shed any tears but I do promise to smile because of those tears and to continue to grow in strength so that my boys, in turn, and when they are ready, can be strong and loyal gentleman based on how I am raising them! They will learn how to respect women from my example and not the example set by their father.

I leave it here:

Spend more time on the things that matter to you and less time worrying about what others might think. Be true only to yourself and change for no one. Expect nothing and you will get everything in return. You reap what you sow… so make sure you handle your plough well!

Over and out!

PS… if anyone knows any eligible bachelors….. I am ready for that adventure as well J

Food for thought

It seems that everywhere I turn there is criticism about what a parent feeds their child. One Mum will tell you they never ever give their children sweets, another one will tell you that too much fruit is just as bad for their teeth.

I was recently questioned over the fact that I had let my child be a pescetarian as he really didn't like the texture of meat. Apparently I was not going to be getting enough protein etc into my child's diet. That same person refused to believe that any 9 year old would happily eat lentil, pulses etc I said I should be disguising the meat in other forms. Well you know what, no I didn't do that I left him to it. He now eats mince again and perhaps the odd sausage but when all is said and done would rather have fish and vegetables only!!

A RESPONSE TO "14 THINGS THEY DON’T WARN YOU ABOUT WHEN YOUR CHILD STARTS SCHOOL"

Do you ever read those articles when you just think really? Why are you making out like it is all doom and gloom? Parenthood isn't that bad? Why do you want to scare other parents who haven't been through that phase yet? So, having just read yet another one of those posts, I wanted to reply. It isn't a criticism of what was being said in the post it is just my way of turning it around. 

1. The school run is so stressful - is doesn't have to be stressful
From the off my boys knew what time we had to leave the house and what they had to do by that time. As they have grown up then they have been more aware of what their responsibilities are to getting out of the door. I am up at 6:30 they are up and dressed by 7:15.  If we have to leave at 8:20 (3 days of the week) then their breakfast has to be finished by 8, teeth have to be brushed by 8:05, shoes on by 8.10, bags and coats on by 8:15. If we have to be out by 8.05 (2 days a week) it all moves forward by 15 minutes.

The leaving house time was set to allow for dilly dallying along the way, or bumping into friends. I might shout "come on let's go else we will be late" as I am heading out the door but I can honestly say I don't get the school run stress. I kind of want to say to people who have the stress, rethink your mornings, get up earlier, prepare the night before. It surely can't just be me that sees the walk to school as a time to talk to my children calmly and discuss the day ahead. (usually me moaning about what work I have to do or what my trains to the office are going to be like).

2. The Late Book of Shame - you don't have to be in it
Six years at school and no late book of shame for me, touch wood. It boils down to the organisation of point one doesn't it? I am not saying that when my boys are old enough to to walk to school together they might not dawdle so much they are late but I actually don't see how you can be late to school. Maybe I have just been lucky but my boys have never been late and i don't plan on them being late anytime soon - touch wood!!

3. You wonder whether you are a bit thick - no I realise how old I am
More that I realise how much I have forgotten over the years, probably because I have never had to use some of the things my children are currently being taught! It makes me question the system rather then whether I am thick!

4. Kids parties - you can say no
Valuable life lesson to see your child saying no sorry we have something else on that day,  friendships won't be lost because "mummy said no". I don't know about you, but most of the parties for my children's' friends the parents have always been free to leave and come back later. I can't remember the last party that I went to and felt obliged to stay. 

5. All the correspondence - yeah OK I get this complaint
OK I get this, there is a lot of correspondence. The only way to get through it is to tackle it head on. As soon as you see the message, note anything important from it and discard anything not needed. Don't let it defeat you!

6. Lost property - it happens, but let the child know the value of what they have lost
Name tags are meant to work, name tags don't work. I have tried them all. If a jumper is going to get lost it will get lost. We just make it part of the week to check the lost property box just in case an item turns up. There has to be a certain amount of acceptance that things go missing but there also has to be a certain amount of responsibility on the child to make sure their jumper goes in their jumper tray,  or in their bag. Sorry but my boys are "lectured" about the cost of things when they lose them. They learn!

7. All the reading  - it can be boring but you would only moan if they didn't read
 I get it, I hated beyond anything else flipping Biff and Chip books. When my second came home with them I was still shaking from having had to read them the first time around. However all that repetition, all that reading the same word several times will pay off given time. Never let on to your child you are bored, they will go off reading and then you will complain because they are not wanting to read. Damned if they do and damned if they don't basically.

8. They suddenly know everything - quite right 
If they feel they suddenly know everything it is because they are learning. Just what you want them to be doing. Run with it and encourage their knowledge.

9. All the laundry - Really? Feral?
Yes OK my boys might get through 2 jumpers a week, 2 pairs of shorts a week and have to change their tops every day (more to do with the smell) but they have never come home looking feral and I just made sure I bought enough school kit to allow for a once a week wash at the weekend. I think really, as parents, we have to perhaps stop being so worried about our kids looking perfect all the time. It doesn't work like that. 

10. You have no idea what they do all day - true but do you need to know?
If they do tell you everything they have done, are you prepared to show them the interest. It could take some time! I just need to know they have had a good day and if there is any homework. I find by not pushing them for what they have done they usually open up. Failing that I get them to phone my Mum and she usually gets told so can let me know anything I need to know. If they were up to something really wrong the school would let you know, believe me! 

11. There is a lot of gross stuff - I have seen worse
Thread-worm and nits might seem to be the worse thing ever but seriously give me that over vomit any day! Just be prepared, all the time. Then you can tackle the gross stuff right from the off!!

12. They enjoy playing with their friends more than playing with you - quite right
I would be worried if they still preferred playing with me over their friends. I mean did you want to play with your parents when you were that age. Be happy that they have friends and make friends with their friends Mums. Nothing better than a play date with wine!!

13. They eat you out of house and home - that is not school that is growth!
We have bread, crackers, fruit and cereal as staple snacks in my house. Doesn't matter if at school or not they are growing and they need energy to do so. I go through 12 pints of milk minimum a week (and I can't drink it so that is 6 pints each) and a loaf of bread every other day. I keep being told it will only get worse! Looking forward to that one!

14. It is an emotional roller-coaster - agree 100% it totally is
From the moment they are born though not just from the moment they go to school. Time flies. I remember being told they will be grown up before you know it. Well it certainly feels like that now. I want them to grow up and I love watching them develop but sometimes I wish there was a great big pause button I could press. Just to give me that bit more time!

In case you were looking I read the original post here:
http://www.goodhousekeeping.co.uk/lifestyle/14-things-they-dont-warn-you-about-when-your-child-starts-school?utm_content=bufferd130c&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer